


Love Me Now

by aarondingle



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, past aaron dingle/jackson walsh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 08:03:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9647336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aarondingle/pseuds/aarondingle
Summary: au where adam didn't do the stupid thing of setting the garage on fire so aaron never had to run from the police. instead he runs away from the village nearly three years after jackson passes away because everything gets too much for him - there are too many reminders of jackson and it hurts. he just wants to feel okay again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> more info: ed and aaron are roommates. robert is out. chrissie and robert are badass best friends. lawrence and robert actually get on. aaron still hurts. adam is still the bestest best mate and chas is still the best mum.

Aaron didn’t want to leave his hometown, didn’t want to leave everything he knew but he had to. He needed to get away from the bad memories and the heart ache but it also meant leaving behind all the love and the good memories he had there and that was the hardest part of it. His life had been turned upside down, and not for the first time, and everything just seemed impossible. He felt like he had nowhere to go, no-one to run to, even if he did have people on his side it was hard not to feel alone. He just hurt. His body ached and he couldn’t bear to be in same place Jackson had died. The same place Aaron had helped him die. 

Sure, it’s been awhile since it happened and sure, he worked through it but he still blames himself and he still hurts. He hurts every day. Everywhere he looks he’s still reminded of Jackson. Every day he’s reminded of who Jackson was. His heart aches for what they could have had, could have been. Without Jackson, where would Aaron be? He doesn’t know. He’d probably still be hating himself, too afraid to come out and be himself. And yeah maybe he still feels that gut wrenching fear every time he has to tell someone else that he’s gay but he does it and it makes him feel a little prouder every time it happens.

Jackson was the biggest part of his life for so long and his memory is all over the village so even though it’s been awhile and even though Aaron has sort of moved on with his life he still feels like he needs to get away. So that’s exactly what he does. 

“I don’t want you to go,” Chas says.

If there’s one person Aaron feels guilty about leaving, it’s his mum. He doesn’t want to feel guilty and he wants Chas to be okay with his decision to leave. After all, it won’t be forever. He doesn’t think it will be anyway.

“I know you don’t, but I need this.”

“I know you do, love.” Chas is crying and it sets Aaron off.

They’ve talked through this so much over the past couple of months, argued like cat and dog and in the end Chas has been unable to sway Aaron. He wants to leave and nobody can change his mind. He’s stubborn like that, it’s probably the best and worst thing about him.

“Just can’t believe you’re leaving tonight; it’s come round too quick.”

“You’ll be alright, mum. I’m only a phone call away.”

“Promise me you’ll be back.”

And he does because if there’s one thing he knows it’s that he wouldn’t be able to stay away from his mum forever. Wouldn’t want to. They’ve fought for their relationship for so long and Aaron would be an idiot to run away from that. She’s the one person he can rely on the most, along with Paddy and Cain, but his mum’s his mum and nobody can ever replace her.

“Right, come here. I need a hug.”

Aaron reluctantly falls into the hug, a small smile on his lips and tears in his eyes. He can’t cry again, though, feels like he might break if he lets himself. He’s cried so much the past couple of years he doesn’t know how there’s any tears left to fall, if he’s honest. But he stays hugging his mum for a little while longer because he doesn’t let himself do this often and it’s nice. Every once in a while, anyway.

“Mum, you’re going to have to let go of me. I can’t miss my plane.”

Chas nods her head and pulls back unwillingly. Her eyes are rimmed with tears, red and puffy. They’re a mess, the pair of them, and it makes Aaron laugh. He really is going to miss her, despite the arguments and the fall outs. She’s been his rock throughout everything and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do without her. He’ll manage, though, he always manages.

When he leaves the Woolpack, suitcase in hand, there’s everyone out there to wave him off. It seems all the Dingles, plus Adam, Vic and Paddy are really going to miss him and it makes Aaron’s heart ache. He’s so loved and he does know it he just sometimes forgets it, forgets he has so many people on his side because for so long he was alone, he had no-one. It’s like a sucker punch in the stomach, though, seeing them all there, together, looking torn up that he’s leaving. It almost makes him reconsider but he doesn’t because he has to do this.

He looks back as the taxi pulls away from everyone and sees everyone waving him off. He wipes at his eyes and turns back to face the front. He’s got this, he’s going to be okay. He’ll talk to them every day – well not every day he didn’t even do that when he was there – but he’ll still talk to them and he’ll be okay. Paris will be good for him. There will be no faces he knows, nobody that that knows his past, nobody that will judge him for what he did or take pity on him because his boyfriend – ex boyfriend – died. He can be a whole new person and he can heal. 

Everyone says time is supposed to heal you yet it’s been nearly three years since Jackson passed and sure he doesn’t cry himself to sleep every night anymore but he doesn’t think he’s healed as much as he should have by now. He’s too young to have a dead boyfriend, too young to have gone through everything he has been through and yet here he is, covered in scars and riddled with bad memories. He’s a survivor, though, he always has been. He’s tried to give up, and god he wants to just be gone, but he’s still here and that’s got to count for something, right?

The airport is buzzing with people when Aaron arrives and he likes the busy atmosphere, likes that he can blend into the background and go unnoticed. Everyone’s too preoccupied with not missing their flight, or not forgetting something. It’s funny because they’re such tiny problems compared to what Aaron has been through but it makes him feel better, seeing everyone rushing around while he sits there, sad but content. He wouldn’t say he was much of a people watcher but as he watches people here, he sees so many different faces, young and old, tired and sad, wrinkled and happy. Each face has a different story behind them, stories that Aaron will never know and he likes that. He hopes there’s someone watching him, thinking the same thing, or maybe someone is making up a whole new life for him to pass the time. A life where he’s happy and he hasn’t been through any of the stuff he's been through thus far. 

On the plane, he sleeps. Or at least he tries. He almost gets there, he’s like in that state of not really being awake but not being fully asleep either. So when he lands in Paris he feels groggy and he desperately needs a shower. He’s grumpy with how long his suitcase takes to come out on that stupid wheel thing and he’s been bumped into by about a thousand people so his mood isn’t great right now. He can’t even really appreciate the sights because he’s too focused on trying to find Ed once he’s out of the mess of people in the airport.

Ed is going to be his new roommates. He met him online when he was planning to move to Paris and they got to talking. Ed has lived here for a year now and offered a room for Aaron to stay in and he easily accepted because it’s cheap and it was a lot easier than trying to find somewhere to live on his own. Ed seems like an alright guy, though. They skyped a few times and it was fine. He wouldn’t say they were friends, not really, but it seems to be where their relationship is heading. He’s going to need at least one friend while he’s here, anyway, since he won’t have Adam by his side. Not that anyone can replace Adam.

He eventually does find Ed – who’s stood with a stupid sign with Aaron’s name on in big bold letters – he’s wearing a red and blue striped shirt with a pair of washed out jeans. He also has the biggest, dopiest smile on his face. Aaron can’t bring himself to have that much enthusiasm so his smile back is only a quirk of his lips when he gets close enough to the other man.

“Nice sign,” Aaron says with a raised eyebrow. 

Ed laughs and shrugs his shoulders. “It’s what people do at airports, right?”

“Guess so,” he replies.

Ed takes Aaron’s suitcase for him and Aaron thanks him quietly before they start walking outside. It’s quite warm, the sun is low but it’s still out and Aaron is quite happy to be walking out into an unknown place. It’s unfamiliar in a good way and Aaron appreciates it for a moment or two, lets it sink in that this is where he’s going to be living. He doesn’t feel fear or panic at that, he feels content and a little nervous. Ed interrupts his thoughts then, and it’s probably for the best because Aaron’s thoughts almost always lead down a dark path and he’s too tired to fight off his demons right now.

“How was your flight?”

“Fine, you know? It was a flight.”

“Fair enough,” Ed laughs. “You want to head straight to the flat or do you want to get food?”

Aaron shrugs his shoulders. “Not that hungry mate, and I need a shower.”

Ed nods in acknowledgment and then they’re arriving at what is probably Ed’s car. The other boy unlocks it and puts Aaron’s suitcase in the boot. Aaron slides into the passenger seat easily and puts on his seat belt. He slouches down in his seat lightly, looking out of the window as Ed joins him.

The drive back is quiet, Aaron isn’t the most talkative person at the best of times so when he’s tired and grumpy it decreases. He doesn’t think Ed minds, though, he seems pretty happy to just be singing along to whatever song is playing in the car. Aaron doesn’t take in the sights as they pass, doesn’t take in the people passing by, it’s just a blur, faceless people and unfamiliar buildings whizzing past. And when he can’t keep his eyes open any longer, he lets them fall shut. He feels relaxed, his limbs lifeless and his mind shut off. It doesn’t happen often so he lets himself just be for once because he knows it’ll soon be over.

When they arrive at the flat, Ed carries Aaron’s suitcase up and Aaron follows behind. It’s nice inside, nicer than he was expecting anyway. Ed gives him a tour, shows him the spacious living room with a god awful red sofa but the rest of it’s nice. The TV’s a decent size and there’s a balcony that Aaron knows he’ll spend most of his time on. The kitchen is just a kitchen, nothing fancy about it. It’s mostly white and grey with a bit of pale blue dotted around. Aaron basically lives on cereal and bacon sandwiches, though, so it’s not like he needs a big fancy kitchen where he can cook all his gourmet meals. It’ll do to make some bacon sandwiches.

The bathroom is a lot bigger than Aaron would have thought it would be with the same colour pattern as the kitchen which makes him wonder why on earth the sofa is red. He doesn’t question it, though. His room is next on the tour and he’s glad for it because he needs to lay down – the shower can wait. 

“And this is you,” Ed says as he opens the door to Aaron’s bedroom. He places the suitcase by the door – bless him he’s been carrying it all around the flat – before turning to smile at Aaron. “Hope it’s okay.”

“Yeah, it’s good.”

The room is a good size and there’s a double bed positioned off to the left against the wall. The bedding is simple and black. The walls are a grey-white colour and all the furniture – wardrobe, drawers and a small desk – are all a light brown colour. It’s fine. It’s just a room, all he’ll do is sleep here.

“I’ll let you get settled, then. I’m off out tonight but you have my number if you need anything.”

“Right. Thanks, mate,” Aaron replies and he forces himself to smile. He doesn’t want to seem ungrateful or anything but he just really, really wants to be left alone.  
Ed does leave after that, shutting Aaron’s bedroom door behind him and then Aaron is left to the silence. He’s too tired to let his mind go off on one so he easily strips off his clothes and climbs into bed. He dreams of crowded places and loud noises followed by cries for help and the sound of broken bones. He doesn’t understand his dreams but they’re always violent in some way and he always wakes up sweating. They’re not as frequent as they used to be but they still happen and it still makes Aaron wake in the middle of the night with a tight chest and heavy breaths.

And that, well that is basically Aaron’s life for a couple of weeks. He sleeps, he eats and he gets to know Ed a little better. 

He feels like he’s just sleeping his days away but he needs it because it’s not like he ever gets full night sleeps. It isn’t until he finds a job that he actually starts to feel better about himself. It took him a while to decide that he still wants to work in a garage, he did battle with it because trying something new sounded good but at the same time his whole world is so unfamiliar to him and keeping something familiar and normal seemd like that best idea. He’s good with cars, he can do that, and it’ll give him a little thing that hasn’t changed, keep him sane. 

Ed is the one to hook him up with a job. It’s a small garage not too far from the flat they share. His new boss is nowhere near as grumpy as Cain, he actually seems like a happy, nice bloke and it throws Aaron off a little when he meets him.

“Ed tells me you have a lot of experience,” his boss, Andre, says to him when they first meet.

“Yeah. Guess you could say that,” Aaron replies.

Andre laughs and Aaron really doesnt care enough to ask why he laughed so he forces a smile and then Andre shows him around, tells him what to expect. He seems like a laid back type of boss and Aaron is glad about that. He doesn’t need someone nagging him. He’d rather just get on with it and it seems Andre is glad to have someone who does have past experience so he doesn’t have to deal with training someone or always being there to help.

The customers here are nowhere near as annoying and pushy as the ones back in Emmerdale – Aaron kind of wishes they were, though. He settles in well, though, his days seem to go fast and on a night he’ll ever go out or stay in with Ed and have a few beers. They’ve formed a good bond, a good friendship where Aaron feels comfortable around Ed and Ed seems to have taken a liking to Aaron. Aaron kind of senses it’s a little more than just friendship but there’s a silent agreement not to talk about it since Ed knows a little about Jackson. Aaron refused to tell him the whole story, can’t really, even if he wanted to. His mouth won’t form the words he needs and his chest feels tight every time he even thinks about him so Ed doesn’t push it and Aaron doesn’t offer anymore.

“My ex was just a tool,” Ed says after Aaron explained as little as he possibly could about his situation with Jackson. He did tell Ed Jackson was dead but it took him a while. He thought it would be better in case Ed asked where he was now or why they weren’t still together – it wasn’t like it was a case of one of them falling out of love so it would have been too hard to hear those questions.

“Most are,” Aaron agrees easily. He only has two exes – But Holly doesn’t really count.

“He was one of those guys that thought he was better than everyone else, you know? Proper vain. Don’t care about people being confident with themselves but when you can’t see past your own reflection to see someone standing right in front of you, well I haven’t got time for that.”

Aaron lets out a small laugh. “Don’t blame ya, mate, can’t say I’m a fan of that either.”

It’s easy. It’s what Aaron needs for now. Sometimes he feels like breaking, feels like running home to his mum but he can’t rely on her forever so for now he relies on the easiness that is his life. Ed and the garage and the faceless men that sometimes come into his life when he’s had a little bit too much to drink, when he’d rather let someone make him forget even for a little while. He never brings them back to his and Ed’s flat and he never stays the night. When it’s over it’s over.


	2. Chapter 2

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Ed asks one night.

Aaron has been living in Paris for nearly three months now. He hasn’t let his mum or Adam visit yet, doesn’t know how it’ll make him feel to see the two parts of his world collide. His mum nags him all the time, Adam not so much – he’s always been good like that. Always knows when to let Aaron be and when to interfere. Plus, he’s far too busy with work. He’s been dealing with a customer over the phone for about two weeks – he and his family are due to visit in three days to do some business with Andre’s garage. Andre could have dealt with it himself but he wanted to see how Aaron did on his own, with a wealthy customer who is offering a lot of money for Aaron to find a car for his business partner. It’s been taking its toll.

“Just stressed about this car I’ve got to find. The guy’s coming in three days and it’s still not here.”

“You found it, though?”

“Yeah, yeah. The guy who’s selling it is being difficult. Proper winding me up.”

Ed laughs and passes Aaron a beer. 

“You did well to find it, especially in Paris. I’d never even heard of it before you brought it up.”

“Just good, aren’t I?” Aaron waggles his eyebrows before taking a gulp of his beer.

“Amazing,” Ed replies.

Aaron stretches out on the sofa, eyes closing for a moment. He feels so much better than he did three months ago. He feels like a human being again. It’s nice but sometimes he feels guilty, guilty that he feels like he might be healing. He knows he shouldn’t – Jackson would want him to heal and move on. He’d want him to be happy. Aaron wants to be happy.

“Your mum called, by the way.”

Aaron opens his eyes and peers over at Ed who’s sat next to him on the sofa. “She begging to visit again?”

Ed laughs and shakes his head “Na, she wanted to tell you, um… Hazel? Yeah, Hazel. Wanted to tell you Hazel visited her.”

Aaron swallows thickly before sitting up and putting his beer down on the floor. “Right.”

Ed looks worried and Aaron feels guilty again.

“She didn’t say anything else,” Ed rushes to assure Aaron.

“No, no. It’s fine. Sorry. Hazel is Jackson’s mum,” Aaron says sadly.

Ed’s mouth forms an ‘o’ shape before putting his hand on Aaron’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. “Have you spoken to her since – “

Aaron is thankful Ed doesn’t finish that sense. “Yeah, course I have. Just haven’t spoken to her in about six months. We stopped speaking as much when she left, felt too weird.”

“So it’s weird she visited?”

Aaron says and shakes his head. “No, not really. It’s three years ago since it happened in four days.”

The silence that follows makes Aaron wish he had never said anything and he forces himself to keep his eyes on the floor. He doesn’t want to see pity on Ed’s face.  
“And you’re not going back?” Ed asks. His sounds shocked.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I came here to get away from it, Ed. I can’t – Do you even realise how hard it is to lose the man you loved? It’s torture. Every day. Every single day.”

Aaron does look up, then. He’s determined to make him understand. 

“I’m sorry, mate.” Ed says quietly. 

“Don’t be.”

Ed sighs and Aaron feels so frustrated. He thought he could get away with it, keep busy until the day had passed but he knew deep down that would never happen. The day is going to be awful, truly awful and Aaron will probably cry. His family and Adam will try and ring him, send him messages saying they’re thinking about him and Aaron can’t do it.  
Ed doesn’t bring it up again and Aaron focuses all his energy on getting this car for Mr. White. It does happen, Aaron knew he could do it, it’s just annoying the car didn’t arrive until the same day Mr. White and his business partner were getting there so it doesn’t give Aaron long to give it a good once over to make sure everything is working correctly. It keeps him occupied until an old guy comes by making himself known by clearing his throat.

“Hello,” the familiar voice calls out.

Aaron looks up from where he has his head buried in the front of the car. He smiles and wipes his hands down his navy blue overalls. 

“You must be Mr. White.” Aaron says and Mr. White offers his hand so Aaron shakes it easily.

“Aaron, I presume.”

Aaron nods his head. “I was just making sure everything was okay with the car.”

“And is it?”

“Everything’s fine, yeah. She’s good to go.”

“Marvellous, thank you.”

Aaron nods again before he shuts the car bonnet. “My boss isn’t in – he usually deals with big payments, so I can give you his information and you can sort out how and when you’re going to pay.”

“I have a cheque here,” Mr. White says as Aaron gets the car keys.

“Oh. I’ll just put it in the safe.”

Aaron hands Mr. White the keys. The older man’s eyes are on Aaron and he feels a little uneasy. He steps back and looks around before pursing his lips together. “Was there anything else?”

“Let me buy you a drink.”

“Sorry?”

“For doing this. It must have taken a lot of effort and I want to thank you with a drink.”

“It’s alright, it’s my job.” Aaron says with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Come on. Just one drink. Tomorrow?”

Aaron was planning on getting smashed tomorrow – considering the date and all – but he doesn’t know if he fancies getting drunk with a random old dude he’s only met once.   
“Fine. Sure, one drink.”

“Fantastic. I’ll come by when I’ve finished with business tomorrow.”

With that Mr. White hands Aaron the cheque and they say their goodbyes. All that effort and hard work for one car and now it’s gone and Aaron can breathe a little. He doesn’t have much on for the rest of the day so he closes early – with Andres consent – and heads home.

As soon as he gets through the flat door Ed is there with a massive grin on his face, holding two beers and looking like his eyes might pop out of his head.  
“You’re freaking me out,” Aaron says as he accepts the beer and kicks his shoes off.

“How did it go?”

“What?” Aaron asks. “The car?”

“Of course the car.”

“It was fine.”

Ed laughs and rolls his eyes. “I love that you’re a man of many words.”

“Shut up.”

“Me and some of the lads are going out later. You fancy it?”

“Oh, proper lads night out,” Aaron says with a smirk.

Ed just rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, I’ll come.”

Andre gave Aaron the day off tomorrow. Aaron first thought it must have been because Ed had said something to him but Andre explained it was because he’d been working so hard lately and deserved a day off. Aaron wasn’t going to complain – it meant he could get drunk tonight and not be hungover at work. Plus he didn’t have to limit what time he started drinking tomorrow either, he didn’t have to deal with anyone or anything, he could just drink himself into oblivion and then wake up the next morning and continue trying to move on with his life.

Aaron drinks four beers before they even leave the flat – and he steals some of Ed’s deodorant on the way out because his is running low and he hasn’t had chance to buy new. He noticed Ed giving him the eye when he opened his fourth beer but he didn’t say anything. Aaron would have ignored him if he had.

The bar they go to is one of the most popular ones closes to their flat. It’s one of those places where even if you go out on your own you’ll find someone you know. It’s not too crowded, though. The pub itself is quite big but plain in its colour scheme, not that Aaron cares as long as it continues to sell cheap booze he can get smashed with.

Aaron still doesn’t know how he feels about Ed’s friends. They’re not really the people he’d choose to hang out with – but then again the only person he chooses to hang out with is Adam so that probably says more about Aaron than anyone else. He really does miss Adam, especially when he’s just out in a pub – he wishes Adam was here with him, so they could get drunk and be idiots together like they always are. It’s really hard being away from home. Aaron underestimated how hard it would be but he never really lets on to Adam how hard it is without him, doesn’t want Adam to have to deal with that, so he doesn’t say much. He wants to speak to him every day but he doesn’t because Adam has his own life, too, and they didn’t even speak every day when they lived in the same village. It’s just hard, is all, being away from everyone he knows despite the fact being here is helping. As much as it can anyway.

“Another drink?” Ed asks, coming into Aaron’s view.

Aaron nods. “Sure. Thanks.” 

Ed always looks worried lately, like Aaron might break at any minute and he knows he’ll be the one to have to pick up the pieces. Aaron hates that look.

When Ed comes back with Aaron’s drink, he hands him it before sitting down next to him. Aaron sips at his drink, focusing anywhere but at the man sitting next to him. Ed looks like he wants to talk and that’s the last thing Aaron wants.

“There’s some blonde guy that’s been checking you out for about five minutes now,” Ed says.

Aaron looks up at him with a raised eyebrow.

“What? He has.”

“Okay?”

“You’re not going to go for it?”

Aaron wants to say no. No, he can’t. Because all that’s running through his mind is tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. But he just shrugs. 

“He’s hot.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “You go for it, then.”

Ed looks like he’s about to say something else but he stops, sits up and there’s a smirk on his face.

“What –“

“Is it just me or is this guy boring you?” An unfamiliar voice says.

Ed looks offended. Aaron looks up to see a blonde guy looking down at them both, a pint in his hand. He has a smirk on his lips, looks smug as fuck and Aaron just stares for a moment before taking a sip of his own beer and sitting up. He glances over at Ed who raises an eyebrow in response.

“It’s the living with him that’s boring,” Aaron eventually replies.

“Cheers,” Ed answers. “We don’t live together like that, by the way,” this time his words are directed at the stranger. “He just my messy roommate.”

“Charming,” Aaron balks.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Ed says and before he walks away he winks at Aaron. 

What does he do now? He’s not drunk enough to be doing this, talking to a stranger that isn’t exactly hard on the eyes. Not only that, he’d feel guilty. Just so guilty. He knows, deep down, he doesn’t need to feel guilty, but he can’t help it.

Aaron looks up at the stranger because he realises he said something and he has absolutely no idea. “What?” he asks.

The stranger smirks – he likes doing that, doesn’t he? “I said should I bother introducing myself?”

Aaron shrugs. “I don’t make the rules, do as you please.”

And then the stranger laughs and Aaron can’t help the small smile that appears on his own lips because it’s a nice sound and it kind of broke the tension a little bit.

“The name’s Robert,” he hears the stranger – Robert – say.

Aaron pauses, waits, takes a drink and then clears his throat. “Alex.” He lies. He doesn’t really know why he lies, it just happens and then it doesn’t really matter because he’s never going to see this man again.

“Well, Alex, how about I get this round in and we get to know each other a little better?”

Aaron nods, doesn’t even want to say no, so he pushes all thoughts of Jackson away, downs what’s left of his drink and let’s Robert buy him a drink.


End file.
